An Excerpt from Thriving Together
Expert community builder and former Buddhist monk David Viafora writes that the simple act of showing appreciation for one another has the power to nurture thriving communities.
Years of research indicate that our social connections are weakening, leading to an increase in feelings of loneliness and isolation. At the same time, the climate crisis is worsening, and political polarization continues to rise. In light of these challenges, where can we find guidance and hope?
A vibrant community allows us to face these difficulties and find solutions together. David Viafora, a former Buddhist monk, draws on his extensive experience within mindfulness communities to provide inspiration and practical guidance for nurturing thriving communities from the inside out. In this excerpt, Viafora introduces the practice of flower watering, which helps people in a community feel seen, loved, and appreciated, contributing to the community’s overall thriving.
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Flower Watering
Thich Nhat Hanh invented the term “flower watering” to describe the art of appreciations. In order for a dahlia to grow, it needs sunshine, earth, water, compost, and air, among other elements. Similarly, for a human heart to grow, it needs to be seen, encouraged, loved, and valued. Flower watering is intentionally recognizing and celebrating the most awesome qualities in others—their strengths, unique gifts, deep aspirations, or contributions to others, for example. When someone waters my flowers, it feels like a light being shone on the buried treasures in my heart. When such appreciations are expressed publicly, it feels like ten stadium spotlights all beaming down on that inner golden treasure chest. Flower watering circles toward both myself and others have been some of the greatest joys in my life of community building.
A standard form of flower watering is when a group gathers together and each person is invited to share their appreciations for others, themselves, or the community as a whole. Everyone gets an opportunity to water flowers in the community. But there are many other ways to practice the art of flower watering, depending on your communal configuration, creativity, and inspiration. For example, yesterday, a group of us had our first meeting as a laypeople’s Care Taking Council at Blue Cliff Monastery. My friend Sophie was facilitating, and by the end of the meeting, there were some noticeable disagreements and hints of frustration about scheduling decisions. So, Sophie decided to end the business logistics and pick them back up next week. People started preparing to leave, but Sophie said, “Oh, we’re done with the business, but we’re not done with our meeting—let’s end by sharing appreciations!” People put their coats down and settled back into their seats. Still enthusiastic, she continued, “Now, take a moment to think of one thing you appreciate about the person to your left. We’ll go clockwise when people are ready.”
We took a minute to reflect, and then Sophie started us off. Soon we realized that no one could share just one thing! The memory of a slightly frustrating disagreement was long gone; only the spontaneous joy of our budding friendships was alive. We were still getting to know each other, and I was blown away by my neighbor, Cathy, and her appreciations for me. “David, it’s really apparent what an amazing listener you are and the empathy you have when people are sharing a difficulty,” she said. The tension in my chest relaxed and opened up, and my face felt warm under the group’s glowing attention. Then it was my turn. “Alex, I am really inspired by your capacity to reflect back another person’s views with such care and solidarity while at the same time expressing your different views and needs so easily. What a rare and precious skill that is in community life.”
The whole exercise took less than ten minutes, yet by the end, people’s faces beamed with joy, tenderness, and cheerful intimacy. What a drastic change in the group from just minutes before. Even though we didn’t make any big decisions that evening, we became better friends and a more trusting group. It made our whole time together worthwhile.
At our retreat center in Charlotte, North Carolina, we often start or end meetings with a round of appreciations to bring a flavor of lightness, joy, and friendship that not only cuts through work-related stress and heaviness, but reminds us why we are there in the first place! Each person is invited to share one or two appreciations about others and one for themselves. For people who are not accustomed to such open and direct communication, this exercise can feel vulnerable or awkward at first, but it invariably creates a genuine intimacy and positive regard for each other. It always surprises me how joyful, easy, and impactful this simple exercise is, often a highlight of my day. I also know that if my colleagues or team members are more bonded and joyful, we will be able to work more efficiently and harmoniously together.
Birthday Flowers
One of my favorite forms of flower watering is when everyone focuses on just one person, like during a birthday gathering or before someone moves away. After dinner or while eating cake, we go around the table and each person shares what they love and appreciate the most about the birthday person. I can distinctly remember the facial expressions of friends who received flower watering for the first time during their birthday—more radiant and joyful than I had ever seen them. Hearing what your whole group of friends cherish and admire in you can make you feel like it is the best day of your life. In our young adult Sangha in Bellingham, Washington, a few years ago, we had a birthday flower watering session for our Sangha sister Kali. She looked more timid than excited when we started. But by the end of the evening, her eyes were overflowing with light and elation. When I asked her how she felt, she could only say “Oh my goodness, I’ve never experienced anything like that!” Several days later, she wrote me a letter, stating that she was still feeling high from the experience and that this was one of the most special gifts of her entire life. This practice became a ritual for our Bellingham Sangha. Every birthday, we had full permission to release any obstacles to loving appreciation and freely express the depths of friendship, care, and joy we felt for each other.
Flower watering is a deeply healing and transformational practice for both individuals and the whole community. When one person shares what they love and respect about another’s personality, values, and actions, everyone else is invited to see through that person’s eyes. Thus, one person’s view instantly transforms the community’s perceptions about another person, shifting the collective belief about who that person is. When several people share about one person, it illuminates qualities, strengths, and gifts that others could not see before, perhaps not even the person themself.
Reprinted from the book, Thriving Together: Nine Principles for Cocreating True Community by David Viafora with the permission of Parallax Press, 2025.
